The Beginning

An email to Tracy.

Evan and I had a long talk last night. It resulted in two more panic attacks, and some serious tears (on my part, not Ev's), but I think he understands better now. I finally just decided not to hold anything back, and instead of trying to explain it to him, I let him ask me questions instead, as it's easier to take tiny parts at a time. In the end, I think he was able to see a better big picture. We discussed options for dealing with it, and I told him I really don't want to be on medication, and didn't want to see a therapist, and as those are probably the very first thing any doctor would recommend, we've decided to try to tackle it together first and do some research into ways to manage anxiety without medication.

I thought about all the factors that set me off, and the situations that make me start to lose it, and realized it all comes down to a very basic need in me. I feel very out of control of my emotions. If the other parts of my life are functioning in what I perceive as an acceptable manner, then it's easier for me to say, ok, yes you feel bad or angry or (insert crazy emotion here), but everything else is ok, so I can still be happy. It's like, if the dishes are done, I've got dinner on the table, I found time to do something fun with the kids, Evan and I are ok, and my schedule is full but not crazy, I can tell myself that it's ok even when the anxiety starts to come on, and I can tamp it down and still function somewhat normally. It's like a balance. On the other hand, when other things start to go to pot, that balance slowly begins to swing. The more that isn't functioning in what I perceive as the way it is supposed to, the more overwhelmed I feel, it's like a switch in my head that suddenly flips, and suddenly, that neat little box that keeps my turbulent emotions contained spills over and things that I can normally deal with become huge obstacles. If I can't find a way to turn the switch back pronto, that's when it becomes a physical problem, and thus, the panic attacks. My body just can't deal with so much emotional drama inside of me, and so it becomes an outward, physical manifestation to release the emotion.

Basically, I have to accept some things.
1.) I need to stop trying to make myself go "back to the way I used to be". My post baby body/hormones aren't what they were, and the sooner I accept that, the better.
2.) From now on, recognizing that, I will always have to be on my guard. Much the same way that others have to make sure they take medication or go to therapy, I will need to know my triggers, and then manage my world in a way that keeps me from them.
3.) I need to accept that although Evan cannot understand, he can still help. I'm bad about pushing him away when I need him most because I don't want him to be upset, or I'm angry that he doesn't understand, or any number of small reasons that seem big at the time but don't really matter. I can't do it by myself, and he really does want to help me feel better.

And so, my plan.
1. Research my "condition" (anxiety, depression, OCD), and learn what I can do to help myself.
2. Write out every "symptom" and every "trigger" so that I can refer back when I start to get overwhelmed and can't remember.
3. Keep a journal specifically devoted to this.
4. At the start of every week, sit down with Evan and plan out the week, from meals to appointments to working out to kids...everything. And write it down. That way every morning I can wake up, knowing what's in front of me, if I need to make dinner, if I have to leave, etc. By knowing most of my schedule ahead of time, I can be better about saying no to things that will overwhelm me and being prepared for the things I have planned before the last minute. Yes, sometimes I will have unexpected things come up, but I will be better able to deal if I already clearly know what's on my plate prior.
5. Have a support team. Instead of feeling ashamed, feeling I should hide it, I need to let the people closest to me know what's going on, so that when those familiar feelings start to build I can turn to them for help instead of seeing them as part of the problem.
6. I talk to you. Just having you here yesterday made me feel much more calm and I was able to keep a lid on what was going to be a very long and anxious day. I know you, more than anybody else, understand exactly what I feel, and knowing that you're practically in my brain and feel exactly what I feel makes me feel a little more sane.
7. Teach Evan to talk to me in a way that can help. Getting angry because he asks the wrong questions doesn't help either of us. If I can help him understand what makes me feel even more helpless vs. what makes me feel cared for, then his efforts to help are going to be a lot more, well, helpful.

So there you have it, the beginning of my journey. If I try and still can't get there, then at that point I will reevaluate seeking medical attention. Today I plan on starting the research part and also starting my journal. I think I will simply add another blog to blogger but make it private, although I think I will give you and Evan the link so that you can read about my crazies if you feel the need. I wonder if there's a way to make a joint blog for both of our crazy sides to contribute to...hmmm.......

As far as research, I'm going to cover the basics (what is it, how to deal, etc), and also take your advice and maybe try to find some vitamins or herbs that help with anxiety and depression.

I will leave you with that, I believe that's enough of my craziness for your morning, er, enjoyment. I think I'll also CC this to Evan, and when I open the journal later today, I think this will also be my first entry. Admitting is the first step, isn't that what you told me?